


Hospital Walls Have Heard More Sincere Prayers than Churches

by marauders_groupie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 10:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4743263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marauders_groupie/pseuds/marauders_groupie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jily modern AU, based on a prompt - "We broke up but I'm still your emergency contact so when you have a car accident, they call me"</p><p>-- </p><p>She knew she could never get James back. But she didn't care. All she wanted him to do is to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hospital Walls Have Heard More Sincere Prayers than Churches

 It was just past eleven, when the night began descending on the ground, enveloping the city in a thick coat of darkness, and James Potter was hastily locking up the doors behind him, knowing full well he’d already been late enough for Sirius to get mad. His best friend had been talking about a birthday bash for weeks now, and when the day finally arrived – James had to work late. Serves him right for deciding to be a businessman.

“You’re not a businessman if it’s a coffee shop, though,” Lily had told him once and he had to admit that she was right. He didn’t have to wear a gray suit or a tie, only an apron and anything comfortable enough to stand in for eight hours. Still, the coffee shop was his and his only, and he actually enjoyed it. He would’ve enjoyed it more if it hadn’t been for Dorcas who had a family emergency and couldn’t work the last shift so he had to jump in. The business was still too small for him to employ more people, and Dorcas had been kind enough to accept a miserable pay – and that was only because she was his roommate. Basically, they were working to pay for the desperately needed repairs and renovation. It had been going well but not enough – they had to throw a party of some sort, something to promote it, and they were already coming up with something. With any luck, it would be set in motion by August.

But it was May now and it was Sirius’ birthday, so James swore all the way to his car, carrying a crate of beer he had promised to bring if he wanted to appease Sirius. Truth be told, Remus suggested that – Sirius wouldn’t even talk to James, in his typically dramatic fashion. He’d come around but still, it was a pretty dick move to piss someone off on their birthday.

“Fucking hell, come on already!” he shouted, turning the keys in the ignition and hearing only coughing and sputtering of the already worn-down engine. It caught on by the fifth time, and in a matter of minutes, James was on the road.

It had been raining, like it always does when something shitty happens – see example: having work on your best friend’s birthday, so he had to exercise extra precaution. The radio was playing a depressing sort of song, jazz or blues, he couldn’t distinguish it, and he found himself craving to get home as fast as he could. The singer was going on about how she had loved her lover but he could never accept her for what she was, and James squeezed the steering wheel, his knuckles going white. Wasn’t that just the story of his life? A lover whom you loved so much you’d do anything for them, but they could never understand why you were doing what you did. Like opening up a coffee shop when you had a Law degree.

Fuck that, he thought to himself, and pressed the gas pedal, the car accelerating down the empty, straight road that seemed to go on forever. He always hated those. When they were together, Lily always drove on the highway – she seemed to find it relaxing, miles of open road as clear as her thoughts. He preferred sharp turns and city streets. To each their own.

His mobile phone rang just as he was close to taking the right turn to Sirius’ place. Home would have to wait. And besides, sometimes Sirius’ and Remus’ flat seemed more like a home to him than a shitty one bedroom with a twin bed and a couch he’d been sharing with Dorcas since things fell through with Lily.

“Yeah?” he answered, taking his foot off the gas pedal and braking slightly. One always had to be careful when driving while it’s raining. He’d learned that.

“James? Yeah, mate, when are you coming over? Sirius is already pissed but he says he won’t fight you, just hug you. There might be snogging involved but don’t tell him I told you that,” Remus snickered over the phone and James found himself smiling. Yeah, Sirius would be just fine.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes, I’m on my way.”

“Good. I’ll try to stop Sirius from snogging you.”

“Oh, I don’t might a snog or two.”

“Rude.”

And with that, Remus finished the conversation, probably going back to their living room where the most of the people they knew would be. Everyone was probably already there, the party getting steamier proportionally to the amount of alcohol consumed. By steamier, it’s usually meant Sirius dragging off Remus somewhere to snog him senseless. Just like when they were teens.

As he was returning his gaze to the road ahead, James dropped his phone on the floor. Somewhere in the commotion (because the bloody thing started ringing again), he’d tried to reach it from where it fell down but didn’t manage to do it without taking his eyes off the road. By the time he realized that whoever was calling stopped, it was too late.

The car swerved wildly to the side, tires screeching as they skidded against the rain-soaked asphalt, and no matter what James tried to do, he couldn’t steer the car in the right direction. It was a fight of flailing limbs, pressing pedals almost randomly in hope of doing anything, but water was water and lack of traction was lack of traction.

The ground beneath him moved and he felt the car going off the road, aiming for the gutter beside it. His glasses fell over his nose, lost somewhere as the world went up and down, shaking and spinning. James felt his head hit the ceiling, then the window and finally, the steering wheel. Nothing else was left except sharp pain going through his arm, now twisted at a strange angle, and his head. The last thing he saw before the darkness was a web of cracks on the window, and stars silently glistening behind them.

 

* * *

 

 

Lily Evans awoke with a start. She’d been dreaming about something, something like does and deer, something that tasted like freedom, inexplicably. Then she heard the bells, even if it was a clear and wide pasture, and she was awake.

It took her a while to come to her senses, enveloped in the sleepy haze that turned the world blurry and soft around the edges. She took a quick glance to her left, where her alarm clock stood, and the red dials showed 02:30 in the morning. That’s when she noticed her phone ringing next to it. So that’s what the bells were.

She answered it without looking at the caller ID. No matter who called at this time of the night, it must’ve been urgent.

“Hello?” she said through a yawn, stretching and kicking off her covers in the process.

“Lily Evans? I am calling from The Royal Hospital.”

Her stomach clenched and she rose up in her bed, turning on her lamp. In the soft yellow light, her room looked like a cage of a very neat animal. It didn’t look like the place where you’d get a call from the hospital. How funny it is that when something bad is happening, we only think of the smallest and most insignificant details.

“This is she.”

“I see here you are listed here as James Potter’s emergency contact. Well, I’m sorry to inform you but James has just been admitted to this hospital – he’d been in a car accident,” the voice over the phone spoke slowly but there was an ominous hint to it.

Lily froze, stopped biting her thumb and just sat there, her room turning against her, her covers feeling unnatural around her. Everything seemed wrong, darker as her heart beat rapidly.

James James James James. James. Car accident. Hospital.

“Is he alright?” she squeezed through her teeth, her feet already landing on the floor beside her bed with a thud as she leaned forward, to stand up or to pounce, whichever.

“He has severe head trauma, broken arm and a couple of broken ribs. We need to operate on him as soon as possible, that’s when we’ll be able to tell you more.”

She had stopped listening by the time the person on the phone said ‘head trauma’, and she was running around her room, phone pressed between her cheek and her shoulder, grabbing her purse, her ID, one boot, and then the other. The speaker kept talking and yet, she was hearing nothing. There was so much white noise in her head it didn’t allow anything to come through.

“Ms. Evans? Ms. Evans, are you there?”

“I’ll be right there.”

James. Car accident. Hospital. Severe head trauma. Severe. Operation. Broken.

“Shit fucking shit – FUCKING HELL!”

She hit her nightstand as hard as she could, moving it a couple of inches to the right and knocking down the lamp. The light bulb detached from it and fell down to the floor, smashing into pieces. It all felt wrong, so fucking wrong.

Seeing the broken glass on the floor didn’t make her feel better. And her foot hurt. James was still in the hospital and something very vital to her, something kept deep in her chest, probably under a lock, was now tearing at itself, finding the precise seams needed for destruction. She didn’t feel like crying, she felt like smashing things. In all honesty, she was sad. So fucking sad it overwhelmed her.

“Car keys? Where the fuck are my car keys?”

She rummaged through the pile of her covers, nothing, and when she leaned under the bed, there they were, glistening in the dark. It wasn’t five minutes before she was out, wearing nothing but her dress, too thin for this changeable May weather, and a mismatched pair of boots. She was in the car, started the engine and she drove by memory, lucky that the roads were empty enough not to present a danger to herself or anyone else, for that matter.

She was at the hospital in ten minutes, enough time alone with her thoughts to finally make her cry. She burst in through the door in tears, smashing her hands against the reception and one suddenly frightened nurse behind it, and demanded to see James.

When the nurse paged for doctor Onawa, Lily leaned on the wall by the hospital doors, eyes fixed on the floor and her thumb in her mouth. She’d already drawn blood on the ride over here, but she pressed on, chewing herself from the inside and from the outside.

The minutes passed like hours, an invisible clock ticking in her head. Would it be enough to save James? Could they do it? What had happened?

Dear God, please not James. Anyone, just not James Potter.

She was startled from the horrors of her mind she’d been experiencing, thinking of the worst things that might happen, by a kind voice. “Ms. Evans?”

“Yes. Doctor Onawa?”

The man nodded, looking at her with sympathy that was so uncommon. And so very welcome.

“Can I see James?” she asked instantly, pushing herself off the wall and staring at the doctor with silent pleading in her eyes. “Please?”

“I have to ask, are you his relative or? Because we usually allow only the closest family to see the patient.”

“No, I’m –“what was she to him? She loved him, would that be enough of an identification? “I’m his friend.”

“Well, I’m sorry but-“ the doctor started, only to have her cut him off in the middle of the sentence, the fury she’d been feeling bursting out again but tasting strangely like desperation.

“Look, no, his parents are in Dublin and I really need to see him. He shouldn’t be going through this alone, we are – he is – he has _friends_. I am his friend.”

The doctor looked at her like he had already, but now he was thinking, a clipboard in his hands as opposed to her completely free hands, flailing wildly and a wild gaze that kept looking at it all and not seeing a thing.

She needed to see him. She needed to see him and tell him everything would be alright because he was James fucking Potter and he’d been through worse and he was so strong and so amazing that this was just nothing compared to everything he’d already achieved.

“Alright, come with me.”

They half-walked, half-ran down the hall and then boarded the lift, along with a couple of medical staff and an elderly couple with flowers in their arms. The smell of medicine filled her nostrils, something she’d gone through when she was fifteen and now, ten years later, she could still vividly remember her mother hugging her at the fourth floor of this same hospital and telling her that her father was in a better place now.

There were no better places, the best place was to be here on this Earth, surrounded with your friends and your family, people who loved you and who you loved.

“What happened?”

“He lost control of the car because of the rain and he was found around one. They brought him here around two and that’s what I know so far. His injuries are typical for a car crash. I’m sorry,” he added when she flinched but she shook her head to encourage him to keep going. “I know this must be hard for you. We’d arranged for a PET scan and a piece of his rib has punctured his right lung, that’s what we’ll try to work on first.”

“Will he make it?”

“He’s young and healthy, that improves his odds,” Onawa smiled at her but she could still hear the subtext. Odds. A piece of his rib in his lung, effectively causing internal bleeding.

They got out of the lift, entering a wide hallway that stretched to their far right. Lily followed Onawa, going mute after her last question, and he kept stealing glances at her, as though he had been expecting her to pass out. She might, but not before she’d seen James.

“He’s right through here,” Onawa motioned for her to follow through a door on their left.

The first thing she saw were the tubes and the machines. Then she saw the doctors and nurses, in their green and blue uniforms, milling about and talking to each other, shouting phrases she couldn’t understand at one another, so many things happening.

And then, she saw him. At first she couldn’t recognize him, it was as if he were a part of a science project, tubes stuck into his nose and needles in his hands. He was badly bruised, she couldn’t count his cuts and what little she could see of his face under white gauze looked beaten to death. Tired.

She was with him in a second, kneeling by the stretcher with his hand in hers, careful not to move anything that would cause alarm. Someone tried to approach her but Onawa stopped them.

Up close, he didn’t even look like James. His eyes were closed, like he’d been asleep, only more violent. So much violence, written in blue and purple and red, bruises blooming on him like flowers, and she cursed herself for thinking – how is he going to make it? He looked so bad that she felt hopeless.

“James?” she tried, squeezing his hand. No response. “James, it’s Lily.”

A slight movement, enough to make her smile through the tears and she wiped them off with her free hand, the other still clutched around James’.

“Now listen, you are going to be alright. I’ll be here the whole time and I promise you that you will be alright. I promise, okay? That’s a pinky promise. You can do this, if anyone can – you can. You are so loved, James, and please, please,” her words turned into slurs, she didn’t even try to fight back the tears anymore because he wasn’t _here_. He just wasn’t here, dear God, she hated herself for thinking it but this wasn’t James. Something was missing.

“James, please,” she begged of him again, urging at someone who wasn’t even here but hoping to God that he would hear. “Please, don’t go where I can’t be with you. Please. I love you.”

She felt a gentle nudge on her shoulder but she couldn’t let him go. This what she was holding was a body, James sleeping somewhere deep inside it, and medicine couldn’t fix it. He just had to be woken up. So she kneeled there, squeezing his hand so hard her knuckles went white and she couldn’t even feel it anymore, looking at him like he was going to open his eyes.

“Ms. Evans, we really need to begin.”

The memory of how she left the room escaped her, the slow trudging of limbs, almost mechanical – one foot in front of the other, looking over her shoulder like he would wake up, the ranks closing around him, instructions, so much instructions, and then the green walls of the waiting room, sofas that were supposed to make you feel more homely but her home was with him. Without him, there was nothing.

“We’ll let you know as soon as we know anything.”

Onawa left, and then she was the only person in the room, except for a nurse by the desk somewhere far away.

Lily felt small, she felt small and unable to do anything. Unable to do what needs to be done, to shake him so hard that he opens his eyes and greets her, with that shit-eating grin he always had, with those dimples that saw her to the door in the morning and opened it when she came back home at the evening, with a smile, with a wine glass, with a kiss that wrestled her to her knees and made her feel so much.

She’d let him go, but no – not only that, if only he had wanted that. She told him to go away, she told him to never come back and to never call her. Lily had told him that he had no place next to her, that he would always be unused potential and so much wanting he’d never fulfill. She told him he wasn’t good enough. That he never was. That it was all a fucking lie she’d allowed herself to last too long.

The cups were broken against the floor, plates they’d got when they first moved in together, the bed they slept on every night, the bed she cried in while he struggled to help her but there wasn’t much help she could want of him. There was something broken in her and she knew it as she pieced back together the stupid mug he’d bought her. There was something broken in her for wanting to break him. And now he was there, just a body, a practically lifeless body among all those machines that seemed to suck his breath away, suck what he was away.

And what he was is amazing, it’s more than she could’ve ever wanted. It was his smile that he wore around her, his hands around her waist when she needed them, his bloodied fists when someone had hurt her, the fierce loving into which he gave all he had got. The passion, the love, something more, something you were supposed to be a really good human to get.

She was loved, she was loved beyond measure. And she loved him, she did. But it was hard living a life that meant waiting for the next bad thing to happen next to a person who was a good thing, willing to stand by you until you were old and cranky, and would probably still bring you breakfast in bed. But she’d told him he wasn’t good enough, she’d told him that the stupid coffee shop was far less than what he could’ve done. She told James Potter he was not good enough and then expected him to leave. He would have stayed, she could see it in his eyes, but she didn’t want him.

“Get the fuck out, I honestly don’t want to see you ever again. Of all the things you could be, you get a coffee shop!”

He got the coffee shop and it was a masterpiece, like everything he’d ever put his heart into. His friends, his family, everything. Whatever James touched, it turned even more beautiful and soulful.

And then he was quiet, as she smashed an ashtray by his head, peering into his face and telling him to leave, go, get the fuck out, hitting him with everything but her hands, so mad, something wild and untamed, something so horrible she didn’t have the words for it. And he just stood there, taking it. She could still remember his eyes, she could always remember his eyes, so much hope remnant in them. So much hope that she would smile and tell him it was all a joke. She didn’t. He left.

When he came back for his things, she stood by the kitchen counter, the place where she once lied naked under him and that smile that painted the bleary room with sun – where he’d once told her he loved her, like he did so many times, the happiness in his voice and so much dread around them. She stood by the coffee maker he used to make her coffee every morning, as he packed his things into cardboard boxes, biting her thumb. Before he’d left again, he paused for a second at the doorway, half-expecting her to say something, half-wanting to say something himself. But then he just looked at the floor, shook his head and quietly closed the door behind himself.

There were nights when she’d stay up and miss him because she couldn’t sleep and that’s when he wouldn’t sleep either, talking to her about stupid things that brought a smile to her face. They’d fall asleep hugging and wake up kissing, her life getting a little better by James Potter’s presence in it.

And then she cried. At first where no one could see her, the bitter tears that made her clutch the sink of her office building in horror and fury and so much of everything, she’d look at her reflection in the mirror and snarl like an animal that had just lost something very precious. Later, she cried in the metro, tears dropping on the tracks she wanted to throw herself at, she sobbed after leaving her office because she’d remember how James once stood in front of it with a bouquet of lilies, smiling like a toddler who’d just done something so mischievous, just because she’d called him to tell how bad her day was.

Later she roamed the hallways of her, their, flat and the memories just kept flooding it. She wasn’t enough to contain them. When they first rented the place, overlooking the river, they spent the night curled into blankets in front of the window, sipping hot chocolate and dreaming of how their life would be amazing. They didn’t have much but they had each other. Usually, it meant the world.

Sirius later showed up drunk at her doorstep in an early Saturday morning, told her that she was a bitch and that he didn’t want her calling him. Ever. And that he wouldn’t do anything because the universe would punish her enough for what she’d done to James. She nodded. He walked away.

Remus met her over coffee one afternoon, cheeks flushed with cold December wind, two days before Christmas. He didn’t say anything, she said she was sorry. “Not enough this time, Lily. I’m sorry, but it’s just not enough.”

They looked at her like they wanted to kill her. They weren’t the only ones.

“What you did to him, Lily,” Peter started when she stumbled upon him in the city one evening, getting drunk with what little friends she had, “is what no human being should be able to do to another.”

That night was the one she looked at the Thames from above, feet firmly on the bridge but fingers itching to help her get to the other side. The darkness looked so tempting.

Peter had told her how much James hurt. How every time someone said her name he’d smash something, how to his friends he felt like a dead man walking. It got better with time, Peter said, but there was still something vital to him missing. Even as he smiled, even as he joked. He wasn’t the same.

And for what?

For her being so bitter that James Potter, who was brilliant and talented in whatever he wanted to do, settled with little things. A little coffee shop in Camden Town, his heart full whenever he’d talk about it, a little Lily Evans. A boy with a law degree, a rich boy – a wonderful man. Settling for her, settling for the ruddy coffee shop when he could do so much more. He _was_ more.

She had hated herself for so long that she forgot what it felt like to love. James she did love, through fights and through small and grand gestures. Through him loving her more, so unapologetically that she remembered the first time he’d told her that. They weren’t even together then, in a café with their friends, casually chatting and he just said it like it was nothing at all. That, yeah, he’d always loved Lily and knew she’s be brilliant. Just like that. Nothing that required an explanation. He loved her. She remembered how flustered she’d gotten, and how he apologized but he had thought that she already knew?

Lily Evans found God on the corner of Greenland and Carol, James’ lips pressed against hers and she thanked Him over and over again because that was a miracle. That was a _miracle_.

And she found God again in that waiting room as memories came flooding in, as feelings came back – the ones she’d tried hard to forget. The loathing, the hate, and the hope she felt despite knowing she could never have James back. But she didn’t care. All she wanted him to do is live.

The prayers she had used to say as a child came back to her as the clock ticked away, minutes slipping by. She whispered them and then her voice broke, a moment loud, a moment quiet, but her hands were clasped so tight she wouldn’t accept anything other than this one thing.

Please, God, take anything you need, just let him live. Please.

James Potter, of all people, was the one who belonged here the most. He was the one who made the world a better place, who lurked in its corners chasing the dark away, giving out so much love and never asking for anything in return.

She fucked up so bad but if she couldn’t do anything, she could pray. You’d think you’d forget how to pray but sometimes it was enough to repeat one thing over and over again. His name, his love, how much you needed him to live because he was what it felt to be happy.

At six, she was somewhere between dreams and the reality, and both looked horrible.

“Hey, Red.”

She looked over her shoulder and saw Sirius, leaning against the wall and looking at her like not even he knows what to say.

“Sirius.”

“Marlene told me James was in the hospital. Apparently, that’s all she could figure out from your hysterics.”

Lily couldn’t even remember saying anything to Marlene. Pieces of her memories were gone. Right now, she couldn’t even remember what Marlene looked like, only the vague feeling of her hug. And then there it was, her roommate telling her she’d let Sirius know.

Sirius walked over to where she was sitting, slow and long movements, hands shoved into his jeans’ pockets, and then took a seat next to her.

“I don’t know how to do this, Lily. I don’t. I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to you anymore, all of this is,” he let out an exasperated sigh and sunk deeper into the sofa, “too much.”

She nodded, huddling up closer to her core. The air was cold and it wasn’t before then that she’d felt it. When her tears were drained and when she’d repeated all the prayers she knew, when she’d spilt out her heart for this, she was left with nothing. Numb. Jittery and frail. Like all it took was one push to break her. And she would’ve welcomed it gladly.

“How’s James?”

“They’re operating on him. His right lung is punctured and uh, they say his odds are good.”

“You know,” Sirius started, smiling a private little smile but not looking at her. “When you two broke up, he was a wreck. He wouldn’t admit it, of course, for the sake of us, can you believe it? I mean, yeah, you can, it’s _James_. But still. Remus and I knew he had it bad because, and that’s the funny part, whenever the doorbell rang, he’d lift up his head so fast and look up so hopeful, probably thinking it might be you.”

Nothing in that seemed funny to her so she said nothing. She’d known this. She’d known James for so long. And she’d known herself for even longer. Enough to know what capacity for cruelty she’d had.

“I finally made him tell me that night when I showed up at your place,” Sirius continued. “And even then he didn’t blame you. He just kept asking me if he’d done something wrong. Can you imagine? Watching James getting drunker and drunker, bawling his eyes out because of _you_. And knowing full well that you’re a bitch, still wanting you back. Fuck, Red, that’s just cruel.”

It was. She knew it was.

“He told me that you’d said he was never going to be good enough for you. That he was a nobody. That it was all a lie. So tell me, Red, was it really a lie? Because he’d always thought that. Well, not that it was a lie, but that you didn’t love him. You two were happy but he still thought you were somehow doing that because you felt sorry for him.”

Sirius’ words shook her to the core. Something stirred in her chest, her spine tingled and it was a weird mixture of wanting to cry and wanting to laugh. She settled for a shocked expression.

“He thought I was with him because I felt sorry for him?”

“Sort of, yeah. Because he’d been crazy about you since high school and all that.”

Then she laughed. It was a desperate sort of laugh, not like a laugh at all.

“Now you can see why he bought into all of that crap you’d spewed. Because it is crap, Red. You’re cruel as fuck but we all saw how much in love you were. And I don’t know if that’s some self-loathing business of yours or whatever, but making him think he wasn’t good enough for you? Fuck you. Seriously.”

All the things Sirius had been saying were supposed to hurt her, except they weren’t any worse than what she’d already known, and he was saying them with a deadpan expression, very matter-of-factly. They were simply supposed to be said.

It _was_ a self-loathing business of hers. Hating people for liking her. Hating James for loving her even though she enjoyed it. But it just seemed like a fleeting, dreamy thing that wouldn’t last long. Guys like James found normal girls, not girls who were battling skeletons in their closets and anger issues and whatever it was that she’d been diagnosed with after her father died. She was never the happiest kid, but nothing really started until after her father died. That’s when Petunia turned shit, found herself a sugar daddy to finance her through college and life, that’s when her mother started drinking and that’s when Lily found herself grasping to a cliff for her dear life.

The thing with James was – Lily knew no one gave you anything without asking for something in return. And he seemed to be doing just that, letting him kiss the parts of her that weren’t pretty, that weren’t meant to be loved, but he did it. Never asking for anything, never compromising, and never faltering. Even after she started believing him, she knew he wasn’t supposed to be with her. Wasn’t supposed to be living this mediocre life when he was destined for great things.

“I went there a couple of months ago, you know?” she took a deep breath and looked at Sirius. “To his coffee shop. JP’s Coffee, right? Yeah, it’s wonderful. That’s what he’d always wanted. And I couldn’t understand it until then. Why someone like him would want to live this life we average people need to live. Why he’d want a coffee shop when he could be a judge. I don’t know. Something, anything.”

Sirius was listening to her intently, leaning on the armrest and peering into her eyes.

It took her a lot of courage to continue.

“I saw him in there. He looked happy. Like, he looked genuinely ecstatic to be there – jumping from one place to the other and explaining everything he wanted done to the decorator. And then, when the bloke left, James sat down in front of the doors and he looked like he wants to take it all in. He was so happy.”

It was Sirius’ turn to laugh, and he did it like he couldn’t believe what she was saying. He probably couldn’t. It escaped everyone as to how she could’ve been so oblivious.

“I’m a horrible person, I know that. But I just wanted him to have more, you know? I was mad at him for having all the chances a person could have to succeed in life, and then he drops everything, gets together with me and opens up a coffee shop. It didn’t make sense. It made me furious.”

“You’ve serious issues if you hate people who love you. Besides, it made James happy. He’s still working his ass off but he loves it. He loves you too,” Sirius added, the final sentences physically paining him as he spoke.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t dare. He really deserves someone normal, and I’ve burnt that bridge.”

Sirius had a somber look on his face, somewhere between being pissed off and being totally done with this pointless conversation. And then he slowly smiled.

“Get over here, Red. You’re dead tired. And dead stupid.”

She snuggled up to him, carefully at first, and then completely at last. He threw his jacket over her shoulders and wrapped her in a hug, resting his head on top of hers. They stayed there for a while, unmoving, unflinching, quiet. There was nothing left to say anymore. All they could do was wait.

 

* * *

 

 

 At about eight in the morning, Lily stirred from her sleep to see Onawa looming over her and Sirius with a tired smile on his face. She promptly nudged the heap of long limbs and black hair that was James’ best friend, and he woke up as expectant as she was.

“I’m really happy to let you know that James will be alright. He’s in his room if you want to see him. Won’t wake up for some time but I figured you would be glad to hear that it all went well.”

They practically raced to his room, jumping from the sofa, struggling to disentangle themselves, and finally pushing each other in the doorway with huge smiles on their faces. They looked like shit, but they were happy.

James was as beat up as before, but he seemed to be sleeping peacefully, rolled onto his back, but with less tubes than when she’d first seen him that night. He looked better. And that in itself was enough to make her cry and thank God for at least ten thousand times before Sirius gently ushered her through the door and helped her sit down in an armchair.

She stayed there for a long time, the nurses came around asking them whether they needed anything but they shook their heads because they didn’t. James would be alright. That was enough.

Sirius sat by him on the bed, holding his hand and whispering something. Lily could’ve sworn she’d heard him say “Red” and “idiot”, probably in correlation to each other but she wouldn’t even fight him. There wasn’t enough fight left in her because the miracle of James making it was enough to overshadow absolutely everything.

At noon, Remus showed up and she witnessed Sirius rushing to him and burying his head in the sandy-haired boy’s neck, his body shaking with sobs. Remus alternated between comforting him and watching Lily with caution and sympathy.

“I thought we’d lost him, Remus, I thought he-“

“Sssh, it’s alright,” Remus kept repeating, running his hand over Sirius’ head and cupping Sirius’ face in his hands to kiss him. They were so in love, and Lily found herself wondering whether that’s what James and she looked like, too. Before she’d sent it to hell.

Peter came along too, with a bunch of flowers and a get well card that Sirius immediately scraped, pronouncing him a total dork.

Remus and Sirius sat at the end of James’ bed and Peter, left hanging because of the lack of room, sat on the armrest of the armchair Lily had been sitting in. He said nothing, and she didn’t either. There was hardly any tension between them, his friends and Lily – they were all so glad he was alright. And even if no one had said it out loud, Lily knew they were thinking the same – how horrible it was to think even for a minute that they could lose him. How precious he was to them.

They were silent until Remus finally spoke, a quiet resignation on his face. “It’s good to have you back, Lily.”

And then there was hugging and crying and apologies and greetings. James made good things happen, even if he was unconscious and drooling. His sole presence was enough to make the universe align in such a way that left no room for mistakes or broken hearts. If James wanted them to be happy, the whole universe conspired to make it happen.

 

* * *

 

 

When James woke up, it was night time and he felt like dying. That’s how he knew he wasn’t dead – it probably wouldn’t hurt so much. His whole body lit up in pain as soon as he opened his eyelids and then some more.

He remembered what had happened. Sirius’ birthday and rain and car and… Oh. That would explain the pain, sure. But he was alive and he seemed to be in one piece, from what he could feel.

The first thing he saw was Sirius, curled against the left side of his body in thoughtless slumber, drooling on his arm, and then he saw Remus by the right. Finally, Peter, nearly falling off the bed but making it in the foot of it. It made him smile, his friends. No, brothers. They were always the best of him.

His gaze wandered further, beyond his bed and to the corner. He didn’t have his glasses on so he couldn’t see very well but he’d recognize that hair anywhere. Red, like a sunset. Red, like rage she’d often expressed. Lily Evans. Now that was a hurricane of feelings he didn’t know how to handle.

But mostly, he was just glad she was there. And in pain because – a car accident.

“Who do I need to shag around here to get more painkillers?” he asked. His voice was hoarse, and it kept breaking, but the point came across. He was awake.

They were all startled, jumped up, Peter squealed in delight, and then they were just a mess of hands hugging him and pecking his cheek and shouting and Sirius snogged him. Of course.

“Mate, I thought we’d lost you!”

“Me? Nah. Never. You’d starve to death without me,” James grinned at Sirius who was now beaming at him, like he’s seeing the best thing in his life. His eyes were bloodshot and James fought back the sudden urge to ask him who he needs to kill to make him feel better. He really didn’t want to kill himself.

The three of them surrounded him, clapping his back and hugging him like they couldn’t believe he was really there, and he was probably supposed to be in pain because of that but everything hurt so he didn’t feel the difference. The only one who didn’t come up to hug him or do anything really was Lily. Now he could see it was her because Remus had the good sense to fetch him his glasses, and now he was looking at her. She was still sitting in the armchair, wearing a flowery dress, two different boots and Sirius’ leather jacket. James could tell that she was crying as well and her face had gone gray, she was tired. They all were. But she was the one who looked the most like a crumpled sheet of paper.

And she was looking at him. It was a curious sort of gaze, like she’d wanted to say something but then thought better. Like she was really interested in him but couldn’t find the strength to walk over and introduce herself. Like she was a tired Lily and like he was a roughed up James.

Sirius noticed where James had been looking and he let out a tired sigh, pulling Remus’ sweater.

“Let’s go. James and Lily need to talk.”

Peter nearly said something but Remus shushed him with a cool glare and so the three of them said their goodbyes, told James they would be back as soon as they’ve had a change of clothes, and left him alone with her.

Funny, even after all those months and everything that had happened, she still didn’t feel like a stranger. Instead she felt like she did when they were happy, like he could just touch her, like she’d allow him. Like nothing had changed.

And then it struck him, why she’d been acting so odd, sitting in her little corner and looking at him wistfully.

“Lily, are you afraid?”

She nodded, a small curve of lips that should have been a smile but wasn’t.

“Oh Christ”, he laughed. “Nah, come on, get over here.”

He patted the space beside him on the bed and she walked over carefully. She wouldn’t sit next to him, biting her thumb again as she scanned his face for evidence against or in favor of doing it.

And then a flood of words she couldn’t or didn’t know how to stop burst out of her, along with hands flailing in gestures and making faces, so fast he couldn’t understand a word she’d been saying. If he could get up, he would have probably taken her hands and calmed her down. But he couldn’t so he just lied there, blinking in confusion.

When she was done, she huffed and finally sat down by him. The warmth of her body was something he’d long grown accustomed to but it was still nice. He loved her, he wanted her near.

“I am sorry, for everything. I know it’s shit, no matter how much I apologize, it won’t fix what I did but I am deeply sorry and I am so glad you are alright. I’m glad you’re back.”

She looked torn between sad and happy and all he wanted to do was kiss her, make her feel a little better. Make her smile. Despite everything.

And no, Lily Evans wasn’t the easiest person to handle. She threw plates at people when she got mad, she said things she didn’t mean and they were _mean_. She was good at being cruel but it wasn’t what she was, deep down. Deep down, she was just someone who loved fiercely, offering her knuckles and lips and her heart, but didn’t believe that good things happened just because.

When he had first met her, she had this cagey look he knew meant a life of hiding and secrecy behind her, but she still smiled at his good jokes and told him that his stupid ones were ridiculous and he shouldn’t tell them to anyone else. She hid a lot of things. From him, from the world, from herself. She was used to doing it. It all became a little clearer when she told him about her family, about how the world took a downward turn after her father had died. Then he could understand what he already knew.

It didn’t make him love her less. It made him love her more. And so he did. At first, he just pined, like all schoolboys do. Then it turned into this slow-moving river of feelings, just wanting someone to be happy, with or without you. So when he’d told her that he loved her, he wasn’t expecting her cheeks to redden and her inexplicable look full of passion with which she’d dragged him to the corner of Greenland and Carol and told him to kiss her, if that’s what he wanted to do because she had wanted him to do it for a long time. So he did.

When they first went on an actual date, she made him laugh so much he sneezed into his spaghetti and she should’ve looked disgusted but didn’t. They took a walk instead, ending up on the rooftop of his building with a bottle of wine. There were so many stars in the night sky and they twinkled in her eyes. She looked like a shining goddess. He told her that. She kissed him.

By the third date, they decided to move in together. All of their friends brought them plates and juicers, the usual gifts, but with a hint of irony. They were pretty useful as both he and Lily hated IKEA and Pottery Barn and wherever it was that couples did their shopping at these days so they spent the first week sleeping on the floor, with only each other to help them warm up. And blankets. But they got rid of those soon enough.

It was glorious, what they were, what they had. And then it ended, with Lily furious, with Lily telling him he would never be good enough. Like he always thought. She was doing that just to appease him. Of course he wouldn’t be good enough. A girl like her deserved more. So he got his things and left, leaving her to be happy because that’s a part of loving someone – you needed to know when to let go. 

The absence of her pained him. The absence of her brilliance, the right words in the right times, the unabridged love she could give, that something which was inexplicable with words but had to be felt with one’s heart. Lily Evans.

And then there she was, sitting on his bed, still slightly confused and unsure of what to do. He knew he was supposed to hate her, maybe be mad at her, but he couldn’t. Why would he? Why would you ever choose pride over love? And was there even any pride in rejecting love?

“James, I know you won’t have me back. That’s completely understandable to me but, I just want you to know I’m happy you’re alive and I’d very much like to have you in my life, even as a friend.”

“Wait, what?”

She was confused. _He_ was confused.

“I love you?” he started and then tried running his fingers through his hair out of frustration but couldn’t, seeing that his right arm was in a cast. The left one had a needle sticking out of it.  
“I mean, sure you’re a little barmy sometimes but who isn’t? Also, I very much like you. So if you like me back, maybe we can work something out?”

Then she caught on and finally smiled with her real smile, flashing her teeth and her eyes squinting. She looked happy and he was happy.

“Oh, I definitely like you back.”

Finally, she leaned over and, careful not to disturb a gauze or his cast, pressed her lips against his. It felt like home, again, as her fingers found his hair and pressed him closer. It hurt but a little pain never stopped him from kissing a very pretty girl he was very much in love with.

“I missed you,” she finally pressed out, curled against his less-unhealthy side, with her arm resting over his stomach and tracing invisible patterns on the sheet.

“I missed you too.”

 

When Sirius and Remus returned, they found them curled against one another, smiling like a pair of fools (which, Sirius suspected, they were).

“They can’t stay away from each other, can they?” Remus asked, pursing his lips.

“It’s either love or lunacy, and I strongly suspect both.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

In August, Lily was standing in the backyard of the coffee shop, coordinating everything with a walkie-talkie in her right hand. A group of workers were just putting up a sign saying “JP’S COFFEE – HOUSEWARMING PARTY” while she ran about, making sure that the band was set and that everyone was generally in place.

She liked the way it looked. The coffee shop itself was a place where the guests could get – obviously – coffee and whatever pastry they wanted, but if they went through into the garden, there would be band and serious booze and balloons. Everything was decorated in a homely fashion, something she thought James would like more than a minimalistic approach, the color palette made out of earthy and golden tones. There were also deck chairs everywhere, creating a – what Lily hoped to be – relaxed atmosphere. Kind of like a picnic, but only cooler.

James loved his coffee shop and so did she. She never hated it, not really, but now that she’d allowed herself to love it she realized its full potential. And as a PR expert, she made sure that everyone RSVP’d and that at least half of London knew that there was a super cool hipster coffee shop in Camden Town, a place where you could get the best organic coffee and sit down to drink it. Something people rarely did. Also, free Wi-Fi.

Of course, James didn’t know about any of that. He’d been up to Dublin to visit his parents for the last four days so this was a surprise. When Sirius had told her that James wanted a promotion party in August, she knew she had to do it. James’ friends helped too but they became her friends again in the process so it was all good. It was all great, actually.

Because now she was there, standing in the middle of the commotion, and she was smiling. Everything seemed so petty compared to this feeling of wonder.

“He’s coming!” someone shouted and she turned so fast she nearly knocked over a table stacked with champagne glasses. And then there was scuttling of the workers, quiet thank-yous from her to everyone who helped, and James.

James, with his right arm still in cast, and James with eyes spread so wide they must’ve been on the verge of falling out. Finally, James with a huge smile on his face as he looked at her, standing in the middle of the garden with her hands clasped behind her back and a sheepish smile on her own face.

“I bloody love you!”

It was a considerable feat but he managed to pick her up and spin her around, as they laughed. They laughed so much, now that they’ve realized they never want to be apart again. Everything seemed easier, more logical.

He thanked her over and over again and she couldn’t exactly say “You’re welcome” because he truly wasn’t supposed to be thanking her. This was her way of saying she was sorry, so sorry for what she’d done and so sorry for not believing in him. And besides, she liked the coffee shop. It was a cool place. It and its owner deserved a party.

“I was actually thinking, I love this place. But what it needs is a bookstore. Coffee shop and a bookstore, am I right?”

James looked at her in disbelief.

“If you’re not up for it, it’s totally fine. But I’m just saying, one businessperson to the other.”

She tried to look calm and casual but wasn’t. She’d actually wanted to do this, always having dreamt of both a bookstore and a coffee shop. PR paid more, but that didn’t mean it would make her happier. If James had enough strength to believe in the whole wide world, then she could believe in herself and in her dreams. She owed him that.

While she gnawed on herself from within, James stood there with that shit-eating grin of his, until she’d noticed it and shot him a ‘explain yourself’ look. He shook his head and went through his pockets, finally producing a tiny velvet box.

“Lily Evans, will you do me the honor of co-owning a business with me and being my wife?”

And that’s where Sirius and Remus found them. James on one knee, balancing with his cast, and a very flustered and flattered Lily with her hands over half of her face, squealing.

“Can they be normal?” Remus asked his boyfriend.

“Nah, I don’t think so. But look, I think she said yes!”

And then they ran into the crowd, pushing through to congratulate them first. That was just the thing. With James, miracles happened. All the time. There was just something in him that made the world want to believe people still deserved great things.

**Author's Note:**

> Had this one in my drafts for so long, had to share it with the world. Hope you liked it! :)


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